Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 11, 2019
Word: Subsequent week goes to be a kind of bizarre posting weeks shrouded in chaos and uncertainty (the monetary markets could tank!) right here within the kiddie pool. Shortly after posting early Monday morning, we’ll be hauled up the hill in a surplus W.W. II halftrack to get our eightth chemotherapy infusion (of 12) at Mercy Hospital. So no C&J on Tuesday, however we’ll do our greatest to point out up Wednesday and undoubtedly be right here Thursday and Friday. Or, y’know, I could pound on the desk and go away the room after passing out sweet, who is aware of? We’ll see what occurs. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Star Wars Episode IX: 342
Days ’til the Morro Bay Winter Fowl Pageant in California: 7
Months ’til the primary of twelve 2020 Democratic candidate debates: 5
Quantity that federal staff who do not get paid due to the federal government shutdown collectively owe this month in hire and mortgage funds, in line with Zillow: $438 million
P.c of Democrats surveyed by Public Coverage Polling who say they need their 2020 presidential candidate to be of their 50s or youthful: 57%
P.c of Republicans who say they need their candidate to be as outdated as potential whereas nonetheless sustaining the mind operate of a two-year-old in mid-tantrum, in line with my top-secret internals: 90%
Years in the past that tomatoes genetically separated from peppers, in line with FiveThirtyEight: 11 million
Pet Pic of the Day: And the 2019 Pet Bowl starters are…
CHEERS to C&J Theater. A play in a single act:
[Stage CENTER: Michael Cohen and Donald Trump
sharing a park bench, feeding a squirrel]
Michael Cohen: I am testifying earlier than Congress.
Donald Trump: I don’t care.
Cohen: I am spilling all of the beans on you…
Trump (Interrupting): It is all behind closed doorways, no person will know!
Cohen: …in public. All of the networks are carrying it.
Trump: Soooo boring. It is simply your phrase towards mine.
Cohen, pulling out smartphone: I will be sharing this video.
Trump: Oh, fuck. I assumed Vladimir had the one copy.
Cohen: Pondering by no means was your robust go well with, was it?
Trump: You annoy me, that? You actually fucking annoy me.
Cohen, after lengthy pause: So?
I hope the squirrel will get a Tony nod. You hardly ever see such an emotional deep dive like that from a rodent.
JEERS to the authorities shutdown. It is day 20, and as of this hour the rubbish continues to build up. However sufficient about Republican senators gathering in Mitch McConnell’s workplace for drinks, the trash within the nationwide parks continues to be unhealthy, too.
P.S. Memo to Grover Norquist: that is what occurs while you “shrink the federal government till it’s so small you’ll be able to drown it within the bathtub”:
You should be so proud, Grov’.
CHEERS to the not-so-artful dodger. Joyful 262nd birthday to Lin Manuel Miranda’s equivalent twin Alexander Hamilton. He was one in every of our nation’s youngest Founding Fathers, however he wasn’t superb at avoiding controversy (adultery, skullduggery within the 1800 election) or ye olde musket ball. However earlier than he met his untimely finish, he left behind some pearls like this:
And here is one thing for the pootie diaries:
Individuals immediately nonetheless identify their tomcats after Alexander Hamilton in deference to his notorious many extramarital affairs. Martha Washington was the primary as she named her massive carousing tomcat ‘Hamilton.’
Pay your respects right here. Or simply pull out a ten-spot and pat his head.
CHEERS to The Portland Press Herald. Misplaced in all of the hubbub over the Nice Border Hoax of Aught Nineteen is the truth that the Home, led by a brand new Democratic majority, handed historic laws nearly moments after the 116th Congress was sworn in. On Wednesday Maine’s largest paper took a second to shine a lightweight on H.R. 1 and what its voting rights and election transparency rules would imply. I say these 5 sentences are value framing:
The first invoice introduced ahead by Democrats [is] a query—as in, what sort of authorities would you like?
Would you like a authorities that’s truthful, one wherein the affect of Individuals of modest means can no less than hope to deal with the affect of the wealthy and highly effective?
Would you like a authorities that’s open and clear, one the place conflicts of curiosity are banished or no less than disclosed, one the place the wants of constituents have an opportunity towards the transactional relationships between elected officers and the cash behind them?
Would you like a authorities that displays the voters that it serves, one the place the suitable to vote is common—and never a operate of the place you reside, the way you vote, how a lot you make or the way you look?
With H.R. 1, Home Democrats reply “sure” to these questions.
Simply in case you’re , I requested what the Republican reply was. They despatched me a crude drawing of the Kremlin on a booze-soaked cocktail serviette.
CHEERS to America‘s dispensers-in-white. Tomorrow is Nationwide Pharmacist Day, after we acknowledge a career whose members quietly go about their activity of filling prescriptions accurately, promptly and safely earlier than ringing them up alongside with out peanut M&Ms, Individuals journal, Swiffer pad replacements and dental floss. (True truth: the primary pharmacy in America was opened by Louis Joseph Dufilo, Jr. in 1823.) They will have fun the standard means, by inviting prospects to select a goodie from the enormous bowl filled with capsules they discovered on the ground over the course of the 12 months. (Word: for those who decide the one formed like a dodecahedron, permit your self three days to come back again right down to earth.)
CHEERS to discus lite. Wham-O started producing the “Frisbee” 62 years in the past this Sunday. Ever marvel the place the identify comes from?
The Frisbie Baking Firm (1871-1958) of Bridgeport, Connecticut, made pies that had been bought to many New England faculties. Hungry school college students quickly found that the empty pie tins could possibly be tossed and caught, offering infinite hours of recreation and sport.
Many faculties have claimed to be the house of ‘he who was first to fling.’ Yale Faculty has even argued that in 1820, a Yale undergraduate named Elihu Frisbie grabbed a passing assortment tray from the chapel and flung it out into the campus, thereby turning into the true inventor of the Frisbie and successful glory for Yale. That story is unlikely to be true because the phrases ‘Frisbie’s Pies’ was embossed in all the unique pie tins and from the phrase ‘Frisbie’ was coined the frequent identify for the toy.
Frisbees remind me of the Republican get together: Light-weight, logic as contorted as a no-look reverse-flick backhanded corkscrew air bounce, and the one factor that preserving them aloft is spin.
CHEERS to residence vegetation. Typical mid-winter weekend on the TV. We’ll begin with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow deftly parsing no matter Friday information dump(s) occurred immediately. (Invoice Maher continues to be off, so no Actual Time tonight. Or, for that matter, SNL tomorrow.)
New residence video releases embrace season 1 of Stephen King’s Fort Rock and the 20-year(!!!) anniversary version of Workplace Area. America’s Acquired Expertise’s particular “Champions” version continues tomorrow evening on NBC. The NBA schedule is right here, the NFL playoff schedule is right here, and the NHL schedule is right here. On 60 Minutes: job losses as a consequence of Synthetic Intelligence, and an architect who misplaced his sight after which grew to become…a greater architect! And the Griffins transfer to Washington, D.C. on Fox’s Household Man. In spite of everything that we propose you finish your weekend with a superb e-book.
Now here is your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sens. Tim Kaine (D-VA), Ted Cruz (R-Tonsilcheese City) and dearly-departed Clair McCaskill (D-MO).
This Week: Senate Minority Whip Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Home Minority Whip Rep. Steve “David Duke With out the Baggage” Scalise (R-LA); former Maryland Rep. John Delaney discusses his 2020 Democratic presidential marketing campaign; former North Dakota Sen. Heidi Heitkam
Face the Nation: Former Homeland Safety Secretary Jeh Johnson; Secretary of State Mike Pompousass; Julian Castro; Home Minority Chief—Ha Ha Ha Ha, you’re within the minority now, you de-fanged cretin—Kevin McCarthy.
CNN’s State of the Union: Sens. Mark Warner (D-VA) and Ron Johnson (R-I Can’t Discover My Glasses Oops They’re On My Head!)
Fox GOP Speaking Factors Sunday: Sens. Chris Coons (D-DE) and Lindsey Graham (R-Mad Cow County).
Ten years in the past in C&J: January 11, 2009
JEERS to a blue Christmas. The Bush administration’s ultimate parting present:
The U.S. financial system misplaced 524,000 jobs in December, closing out the worst 12 months for job losses since World Conflict II, the Labor Division stated Friday. Practically 2.6 million jobs had been misplaced in 2008, with 1.9 million destroyed in simply the previous 4 months, in line with a survey of labor locations. It is the most important job loss in any calendar 12 months since 1945, when 2.75 million jobs had been misplaced because the wartime financial system was demobilized.
I imagine I communicate for your complete nation after I say wewoulda settled for a field of chocolate-covered cashews.
And only one extra…
CHEERS to the knowledge of #45. Y’know, I used to be going to finish this exceptionally Pulitzer-nominated week of Cheers and Jeers by declaring that it was two years in the past that then-president-elect Donald Trump demonstrated simply how profligate a “reality mis-teller” he was going to be when he determined to lie about, of all issues, the supply of inauguration clothes in D.C. However, golly gee, I might favor to ship you into the weekend on a excessive word. So we’ll put up these phrases of wisdom—and I say that and not using a trace of sarcasm—from the mouth of 2004 Donald Trump that The Every day Present found this week:
“By no means, ever surrender. Don’t surrender. Don’t permit it to occur.
If there’s a concrete wall in entrance of you, undergo it, go over it, go round it.
However get to the opposite facet of that wall.”
Bonus tip: If, as a substitute, there’s a metal fence in entrance of you, no prob—that’s why God invented the hacksaw. Right here endeth the lesson.
Have an incredible weekend. Flooring’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about immediately?